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Picking the Right Officiant

Finding an officiant for your wedding demands more research and reflection than people sometimes give it. If you’re not going to the minister or rabbi that you’ve known your whole life, this process may require a little soul searching: What do you actually want to hear at your wedding?

The most obvious issue for a couple to start with is whether they’re religious. If you’re clear from the start that you want a religious ceremony, then the process can be quite simple, especially if the bride and groom belong to the same house of worship: Just talk to your favorite pastor. And, for a couple whose religious beliefs differ, you may need leaders from different religions who are willing to co-officiate.

For the couple who don’t want a religious tone at all, they’re thrust into a wilder and woollier marketplace—which raises another question: What, aside from religion, do you want? Rev. Deborah Young says sometimes people start their search without any clear idea.

“When I’m talking to a couple, I ask them questions about themselves, their story,” Young says. “Some people want personalization. Some people don’t even want their story to be told.” Young helps them figure this out, partly with a questionnaire, but mostly by talking to them for an hour and a half and watching their rapport with each other.

Young also recommends that couples get a sample of the officiant’s writing as a way to help determine whether he or she is a good fit for their style. The couple may find that they are especially drawn to one approach above all others, whether it’s romantic, humorous, flowery or simple.

But what usually decides who leads the ceremony is simply whether a couple is comfortable with the officiant. “A lot of times it’s just a personality thing,” Rabbi Glenn Ettman from Congregation Beth Israel of San Diego says. “People come to me or the cantor after being in a class with us, or they feel a connection.”

For Gina Hundley, that’s what her choice was ultimately based on. She started her search for an officiant by reading some Web sites and checking out what people said about them. She then interviewed three. “We wanted someone who listened to my ideas and incorporated something special into the ceremony.”

She wanted an officiant who would incorporate the ritual of pouring different colored sand into the same vessel. Plus, Hundley asked candidates how comfortable they’d be speaking by the water—with a violin playing at the same time. She met some reluctance to this combination, she says. But with Young she found someone who listened and could accommodate her needs. So Young married her to Christopher—right on Mission Bay, like Hundley wanted.

Of course, there’s one other essential aspect to choosing your officiant: scheduling. It’s not uncommon for everything else in the wedding to be nailed down—gowns, guest lists, catering—with just one last, little detail about the ceremony remaining: Who’s actually going to run it? It’s a funny thing to leave to the last minute. After all, the wedding ceremony stars three people, not just two. And that third person sets the tone and personality of the entire day.

“Typically couples will come in and will have set a lot of things in motion already,” says Rev. Scott Landis from the Mission Hills United Church of Christ. “They’ve got a hall for the reception, they booked the florist, then they come here last.” That can pose a problem, of course. Sometimes the church can’t work with the established schedule; other times, the couple has expectations for the ceremony that the church or officiant can’t fulfill.

So, as you plan your wedding, remember to give sufficient time and energy to this crucial detail. It could make the difference between a special day and a day specially meant for you.

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