Rewriting the Rule Book

By Heather Holliday
Rewriting the Rule Book

Karen and Doug Yingling originally envisioned a small wedding—it was a second marriage for both of them, after all. But as they delved into the planning process, they realized they wanted a big event to celebrate their new family. So they scrapped what they thought they should do and instead did exactly what they wanted to do.

For Karen, the freedom to do as she really desired was a departure from how she approached her first wedding. “The first time you buy your wedding dress because you’ve been planning your wedding since you were 6, and this dress is closest to your original vision—no matter how it fits into your life now,” she says. “The second time, it’s more about what works for me. Second weddings tend to reflect more of your individual personality.”

In Karen’s case, that meant she went shopping for a chic, fun dress, perhaps along the lines of a bridesmaid’s dress. Instead she came home with a simple, but unexpectedly traditional, wedding gown. “I didn’t intend on it, but when we went shopping it was what we decided on,” she says. “It wasn’t overly elaborate, and it reflected the casual, fun nature of our wedding.”

The wedding itself, an afternoon affair that included about 140 guests, took place at the San Diego Yacht Club. Since Doug had two children from his first marriage, it was essential to include Matthew and Ashlee, who were 8 and 13 at the time.

“It was important that this was inclusive of the kids and that it was something that they could enjoy,” says Karen. To do so, they set up a tent just for the young guests—stocked with foods like tater tots and chicken nuggets. And, not only were friends’ children encouraged to attend, they were also invited to bring a bathing suit and take a dip in the Yacht Club’s pool. While sitters watched the gaggle of offspring, parents could take a break, relax, visit with friends, dance to the steel drum band and enjoy the buffet of baby suckling pig, grilled vegetables and jasmine rice.

Decidedly different from a first-timer’s wedding, including the kids also meant inviting Matthew and Ashlee’s mother and stepfather. “Your definition of family is no longer just mom and dad and kids,” says Karen. “[Their mom is] going to be a part of the family. And having her there was really good for the kids.”

Beyond Cinderella

The Yinglings aren’t alone in their desire to put their own style into their encore wedding. “Usually when people are getting married again, they have gotten over the whole Cinderella notion,” says photographer Bil Zelman. “Women often have this dream, which they realize in their first wedding. The second wedding, it becomes more about personal choice.”

For the Yinglings, that meant emphasizing their growing family, and especially involving the children. For some, it means a big adult-only extravaganza with lots of flourishes. And for others it means an intimate, elegant affair. But regardless of how couples express their nuptials, they want their guests to walk away thinking the wedding truly reflected their tastes and personalities.

Kristin Garuba, founder of Pink Papaya Creative Events, helps couples throw events that pinpoint a pair’s wedding DNA. “I focus on the couple and customize each event,” says Garuba. “I find elements that are important to them and bring them into the event. It could be their culture; it could be that they are foodies; or it could be what words they exchange. You should walk into the wedding, take a look around and say, ‘This is Mike and Susie!’”

Garuba starts the planning process with a dialogue. “I ask lots of questions about who they are,” she says. “I reiterate to them that the wedding is about them, not about the details, like how the napkin is folded.” Sometimes she finds that encore brides and grooms have mixed feelings about this celebration not being their first marriage, and she reminds her clients that this celebration is just as important as the previous one.

Then she helps the couple consider how to make the wedding age- and style-appropriate. She reminds them that planning a wedding is not about following a checklist. Rather, “everything is up for grabs,” Garuba says—which is exactly how she advises approaching decisions, such as whether to do party favors and what kind of music is appropriate.

Merilee Norman, senior director/coordinator for EverAfter Events, also helps clients plan weddings that fit them. She finds many encore couples choose to skip or downplay some of the traditions they did the first time around. “There’s no bouquet toss,” she says. “And no father-daughter dance.” The bride, as Karen did, may opt for a less-dressy wedding gown, or she may even skip the gown altogether and go for a cocktail party dress. Encore couples also frequently don’t register, she says, using word-of-mouth instead to let people know they would like money for a big purchase or that they simply don’t want a gift. Typically, the encore bride and groom just want fun libations, fabulous food and a good band. “They want a great party,” says Norman.

Of course, there are the bigger, sometimes harder, issues to consider as well. Garuba says, “I make sure we address important questions, like how do we honor our kids?” Sometimes that means a ring ceremony with the kids and parents. Other times the husband and wife exchange rings and give presents to the children. Or, the entire family may say vows to each other. Norman adds that a nice way to incorporate children in the reception is to have a first dance for the entire family, rather than for just the couple.

Enjoying the Day

Once all the details are hashed out, many who get married for the second time simply want to relish a day they were often too stressed out to fully appreciate the first time.

Norman says one way the couple manages to enjoy the process is to hire a planner. “They have already planned a wedding, so they know how much work it is,” she says. “They request assistance so that they can enjoy it the second time around. With a planner it is less stressful, more fun and enjoyable.”

Karen and Doug Yingling fell back on that let-someone-else-handle-it philosophy as well. “We realized that the details didn’t matter that much,” says Karen of her relaxed afternoon event. “We hired a florist and said, ‘Will you just do some flowers?’ At the end of the day, people just remember the joy and the fun. The first time people worry about making everything perfect and they miss the event.” This time, instead of worrying about making everything just right, Karen and Doug put that energy into celebrating the beginning of their new family.